Modern love and mental health
Modern love is complicated. How we interact, form relationships, and define marriage has changed considerably. It's become obvious that our "traditional' notions of love will never be the same, and this clash is impacting our mental health.
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. The End.
If you’re in a long-term relationship or married, you’ve probably come to realize that this narrative is a fantasy. The true story is that love, marriage and relationships in general are way more complicated than they used to be.
Here’s why…
We’re beyond living in survival mode
The first humans banded together and couples formed based on our instinctual need to procreate to survive. With immediate concerns like food, shelter and protection, our ancestors did not have the ‘time’ to consider the concepts of love and marriage in the same way we do.
In his influential paper of 1943, A Theory of Human Motivation, the psychologist Abraham Maslow proposed that healthy human beings have a certain number of needs, and that these needs can be arranged in a hierarchy, with some needs (such as physiological and safety needs) being more primitive or basic than others (such as social and ego needs).
With the advances of the 21st century, the same conditions to our survival do not apply. Our modern conveniences mean that most of us have our immediate physical and security needs met, and marriage is no longer “required” for our survival. We have more opportunities to satisfy our other needs such as social belonging and self-actualization.
As a result, our expectations and requirements for finding and staying with a partner have changed, and the success or failure of a relationships depends on whether or not a couple can facilitate each other’s immediate and ongoing needs.
We’ve expanded our definition of a ‘relationship’
If we look at the Collins English Dictionary, a relationship can be defined as:
1) The relationship between two people or groups is the way in which they feel and behave towards each other.
2) A relationship is a close connection between two people, especially one involving romantic or sexual feelings.
3) The state of being connected or related.
4) Association by blood or marriage; kinship.
As you can see relationship is quite a broad term, but for a long period of time it has been viewed in the traditional sense of a “marriage” between a man and a woman.
Now there are all kinds of relationships in our modern society including: bi-racial couples, mixed faith couples, same-sex couples, trans couples, unmarried couples living together or even apart, sexless relationships, open relationships, childless couples, and the list goes on. The positive side of this expanded definition of a relationship is that we are now starting to question the societal standards we have been pressured to conform to. We now understand how these standards can be harmful to our mental health. People are deciding to go against the norm to express and follow their own truth, regardless of the stigma or barriers in their way.
Unfortunately, many hurdles still exist. Religion, culture, and politics continue to encourage different rules or standards about what a relationship - in the context of love and marriage - is or should be. These conflicting views motivate people to condemn and oppress those who do not fit the traditional model of love and marriage. This type of discrimination and maltreatment continues to have serious mental health repercussions for those couples on the receiving end.
Modern couples in Canada
Using data from the 2016 Census, here are some highlights…
Married couples accounted for 79% of all couples in Canada, down from 93% in 1981
25% of “never-married” Canadians say they don’t intend to get married
21% of all couples in Canada were living common-law, up from 6% in 1981
The share of twentysomething women (37%) and men (25%) living in couples has nearly halved since 1981 (falling from 59% and 45%, respectively)
There are 73,000 same-sex couples in Canada, 12% of whom are raising children
1 in 5 surveyed Canadians reported in that their parents are separated or divorced, up from 10% in 2001
The share of people living in mixed unions nearly doubled from 2.6% to 4.6%
69% of couples with children were dual-earner couples up from 36% in 1976
Gender roles are changing along with expectations
Many of the gender stereotypes we know today were not always present in the past; they are relatively new trends in human society. This is because social expectations of each gender change over time, and often develop differently in cultures around the world. Some people believe that gender-specific expectations are necessary because each gender has jobs they fulfill in society; they are necessary for society to function naturally. Others believe that gender roles can never be abolished because of the biological differences between men and women, and that traditional gender behaviors are simply “in our nature”.
Historically the gender roles of the man as the hunter, protector and provider and the woman as the gatherer, nurturer and care-giver as been perpetuated as the ideal. However in the last the few decades, these roles continue to drastically change. Genders and gender roles are not clear-cut categories that can be applied to everyone in society. Women now work and have lives beyond being a wife and mother. Men now stay home and participate in child-rearing. Same sex couples get married and have families.
In many ways, people are feeling less pressured to conform to societal standards, happy to express themselves more freely so they can live the lives they want. On the other hand, some couples are finding it difficult to navigate these changing roles and expectations, especially when in conflict with cultural or family expectations.
The rise of technology
Technology has changed the way we communicate, work, play, and live our lives. It has also been slowly stripping away how people relate and connect on a personal level and this can be especially true in our most intimate relationships. How many couples text instead of talk? How many couples spend more time on their phone than with their partner? How many couples are glued to their screens instead of each other?
These moments spent focused on technology can quickly add up to a sizable portion of a person’s waking hours, and has represented a shift in how people and couples, spend their time and where they focus their energy. In a 2014 Pew Research Poll, 1 in 4 cell phone owners in a long-term relationship or marriage found their partner too distracted by their cell phone and 1 in 10 argued about excessive time spent on these devices. The same allotment of time that just a few years ago might have been considered an “online” addiction is now commonplace in terms of smartphone use.
Technology has also impacted the emotional connections forged by couples that would normally happen through body language, nonverbal communication, tone of voice, and facial expressions, making the manner in which couples express themselves more mechanical. Often resulting in misunderstandings, a lack of intimacy and a feeling of loneliness.
Quality matters
Relationships are one of the most important aspects of our lives, yet we can often forget just how crucial our connections with other people are for our wellbeing. People who are more socially connected to family, friends, or their community are happier, physically healthier and live longer, with fewer mental health problems than people who are less well connected.
However, while being in a relationship can have positive benefits for health, it’s the quality of your relationship that really matters. Living in conflict or within a toxic environment is more damaging than being alone. In seeking to combat loneliness and isolation you need to be aware that poor-quality relationships can be worse for your mental health. In fact, research has found that unhappy relationships have a higher negative influence on physical and mental health than not being in a relationship and that people in unhappy or negative relationships have significantly worse outcomes than those who are isolated or have no relationships.
Adulting is hard
The start of adulthood can be a time of stability and bring with it, the joys of discovering new relationships, including building a family. However, it is can also be a time of great change and stress. Money problems, work responsibilities, and less time to spend with family have been reported as some of the most important stress factors for relationships during this time of life.
Because of these stressors, it is also a time when key risks for loneliness and isolation can significantly impact on us, including relationship breakdowns and divorce, poor work-life balance, children leaving the family home, retirement, and bereavement.
How couples counselling can help
Whether you have been in a committed relationship for six months, ten years, or 20, every couple goes through transitions, stages, and many life bumps. Some of them are easier to handle, but some can create a lot of harm in the relationship. But were you expecting things with your partner to become so painfully hard? Why, all of a sudden, has everything turned into arguments, conflict, apathy, and tension?
Just like the goal of psychotherapy is to enhance an individual’s mental health, couples counselling seeks to strengthen the quality of a couple’s relationship. This is done by uncovering and addressing the issues that may be affecting the dynamics of the relationship
Common problems discussed in couples counselling
Lack of communication skills: ongoing arguments, yelling, indifference, secrets
Infidelity
Responsibilities and expectations: difficulties agreeing on the couple’s roles in the relationship
Financial problems
Couple’s Goals: difficulties in agreeing on the short or long-term future of the relationship, especially when it comes to big decisions (i.e., having children, adoption, moving to another city, saving money, etc.)
Sex life
Managing the divorce process
Discrimination for being a same-sex or interracial couple
Managing differences in cultural and religious values
Life’s transitions: the birth of children, children moving away, ageing
Life’s challenges: death of a child, one partner receiving a critical diagnosis, one partner becoming disabled, one partner losing a job
Misconceptions about couples counselling
Feel skeptical about attending couples counselling? You’re not alone.
After all, why would you even consider sharing your intimate romantic life with a stranger? What’s talking to a therapist going to do? Are you supposed to trust that an outsider is going “to fix” your relationship? Isn’t just going to counselling a sign of weakness that leads to divorce?
Often, these misconceptions about couples counselling come from the stigma surrounding mental health. Many people believe that if you have to go to therapy, it means you have already failed in the relationship. But that’s not the reality at all.
Here’s some further clarification on common misconceptions about couples counselling…
MISCONCEPTION: Couples counselling is only about giving advice.
Reality: Couples counselling offers many benefits.
Provides a neutral space where you can feel safe, comfortable, heard and supported
Can help to improve healthy problem-solving, conflict resolution and communication skills
Can help you navigate current or specific issues or challenges as a couple (life transitions, infidelity, mental illness, etc.,)
Can help you gain a new perspective about the future of your relationship
MISCONCEPTION: You have to be married to go to couples counselling.
Reality: Any relationship counts.
The terms ‘couples counselling’ may suggest that this practice only targets married couples. However, this is not the case. This type of counselling embraces all kinds of relationships present in our modern society. That includes issues specific to same-sex couples, trans couples, unmarried couples living together, separated and/or divorced couples, among others.
MISCONCEPTION: Couples counselling should be a quick fix.
Reality: Every couple is different.
Every couple and their situation is different. Just like the goal of therapy is to enhance an individual’s mental health, couples therapy seeks to strengthen the quality of a couple’s relationship. This is done by uncovering and addressing the issues that may be affecting the dynamics of your relationship. It is unrealistic to assume that in 1or 2 sessions, you and your partner are going to “fix” a problem that has been dragging on for months, years, or decades.
MISCONCEPTION: Couples counselling does not work.
Reality: It can if…
Couples counselling can work as long as these two conditions are met… both people need to be committed to working on their relationship for the long run. And, the couple finds a therapist that is right for them. That is, finding a person that makes you feel safe, comfortable, heard and supported. When this connection does not happen, it does not matter how much your therapist know, there will be an ongoing barrier preventing progress.
MISCONCEPTION: Couples counselling can only happen face to face.
Reality: Not at all.
Whether it is to improve communication style, become closer as a couple, or overcome the loss of a child, counselling can be a safe space to work things out. As long as that space is safe and you have the right therapist for you, it doesn’t matter if it is virtual or in-person. In fact, many couples in counselling (especially those who are separated) have found online counselling a more ‘comfortable’, convenient, and less stressful experience.
MISCONCEPTION: There needs to be a serious issue to seek couples counselling.
Reality: Don’t wait to seek help!
Whether you have been in a relationship for 6 months, 10 years, or 20, every couple goes through transitions, stages, and many life bumps. Some of these are easier to handle, but some aren’t. If you think your marriage or relationship is in trouble, do not wait to seek help. Think about it this way: relationship or mental health issues are the same as physical symptoms or illnesses. The sooner you seek help, the higher the chances you can recover.
Different approaches used in couples counselling
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)
This approach was developed in 1980 by two Canadian psychologists, Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg. According to Sue Johnson, the goal of EFT is “to create a more secure emotional bond.” In other words, this type of approach looks for hidden and negative emotional patterns that are affecting the whole relationship. Sometimes, couples express their anger, longing, insecurities, resentment, or fears by arguing over tiny things.
EFT affirms that most of the time, those heated fights about who did the dishes or took out the garbage last night have nothing to do with the actual chores but with deeper unmet emotional needs. EFT looks for that deeper layer. Its goal is to restore in the couple the sense of healthy attachments, safety, and love.
Lots of research have backed up EFT’s effectiveness. For example, it has been beneficial to help depressed couples, couples who have endured trauma or face a child’s illness.
The Gottman Method
The Gottman Method was developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, after studying thousands of couples over decades. Like EFT, the Gottman’s paid close attention to superficial arguments couples had and the things they were not verbally expressing in their conflicts. After their studies, they developed a method that looks to enhance three areas of couple’s relationships: closeness and intimacy, conflict management, and the creation of shared meaning.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
CBT’s principle is that thoughts, emotions, and behaviours are all interconnected. CBT aims to target distorted thoughts (i.e., catastrophizing, all-or-nothing thinking, labelling) and help the couple replace them with healthier ones. This “reframing” of distorted thinking is done by engaging in practical exercises at home and in sessions. CBT is a method to enhance people’s coping skills to manage conflict, improve communication, emotional regulation, and deal with symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Gestalt Couples Therapy
Gestalt therapy is a holistic, experiential, and relational way of working with individuals and couples. From a Gestalt counselling perspective, a well-lived life is founded on a person’s awareness of how they live their life and how they manage their relationships. The Gestalt approach to counselling is grounded in the here-and-now. This means that what you are experiencing in the present moment, in the therapy room or with your partner, takes precedence over your past experiences. This means that the therapy process is alive and present-centred.
While your personal history is not discounted, the focus is on how your present life is being affected by your past experiences. A present-centred focus means that the therapy is dynamic as you are sharing your feelings, thoughts, sensations, and imaginings in the present moment. The benefits of this are that you are able to learn and integrate new experiences by working in the present, rather than only talking about how or what you want to change in your life.
Modern love requires ongoing care
We all have emotional ups and downs - ‘rough patches’ as we usually call them - life changes, events or situations that put stress and strain on our partnerships. These are normal relationship challenges. In most cases, with work, commitment, and a willingness to adapt with your partner - you can usually figure things out together.
But what happens if these ‘rough patches’ turn into rough weeks, months or even years? What happens if you can’t work through or get past something with your partner?
Relationships continue to grow over time and need care and maintenance to stay healthy and strong. When we neglect the ‘issues’ in our relationships, they fester. That ‘patch’ starts to spread and before you know it, a once healthy relationship becomes weak and fragile. But there is a way to bring life back to your relationship.
We’re here if you need help
Therapy is a valuable tool that can help you to solve problems, set and achieve goals, or teach you new ways to track your emotions and keep your fears in check. It can help you to build the life, career, and relationship that you want. Does everybody need it? No. But if you are curious about working with a therapist, that curiosity is worth pursuing.
We know it takes a great amount of courage to examine your life and to decide that there are things you would like to change. And, it takes more courage to do something about it. We can help. We offer free consultations for anyone in Ontario considering individual or couples counselling, online at The Dot. We will go through any of your questions and concerns to help you decide whether online counselling is the right choice for you.
SOURCES
Psychology Today Our Hierarchy of Needs
One World Education Gender Roles in Modern Society
MentalHealth.org.uk Relationships in the 21st Century
The Vanier Institute of the Family Modern Couples in Canada
Pew Research Group Couples, the Internet and Social Media